Review: The Colonel

• Directed by M.C. Chatrichalerm Yukol
• Starring Sompop Benjatikul, Niyana Chiwanon
• Availability: DVD (zone free, removable English subtitles)
• Rating: 4/5

Here's one I viewed awhile back and I just gave it a repeat viewing.

Some things I was confused about were made clearer on second viewing.

First, I wasn't sure where this was taking place. I thought maybe it was Laos. Or maybe it was Cambodia. Possibly Burma. Even Vietnam. Turns out it was none of those. It takes place in a fictional country of Chiang Riang and the confusion arises because this place could be any one of those places mentioned. Even more confusing, everyone speaks Thai, but some of the signage and newspaper headlines are in a script that my Thai girlfriend did not recognize. So possibly it was Khmer or Lao or ancient Sanskit.

Keep in mind this was made in 1974, so the real world events of 1975 Southeast Asia - the fall of Phnom Penh to the Khmer Rouge, the fall of Laos to the Pathet Lao, the fall of Saigon - hadn't taken place yet. But it was pretty heavy then, and Thailand - with Red China looming to the north and revolutions taking place all around - was determined not to fall. This is the atmosphere in which this film was made.

The story is about a Thai army intelligence officer (Sompop) who parachutes into this tiny, fictional country to assume the role of a double agent colonel who was murdered. The dead guy was working for the local government's Central Bureau but was also an informant to Red China and was working to aid the local People's Army.

His ruse is short-lived, however, as the dead colonel's wife (Niyana) immediately knows the jig is up when the two sleeps together. Later on, a doctor - a friend of the real colonel - has to treat a gunshot wound on the secret agent's upper thigh. He lifts the towel and sees that there's a difference of some sort. I'm guessing the real colonel was circumsized; his double is not. The doctor has to be bumped off.

This is a gritty film, with lots of action. At one point, a band of communist militia storms the colonel's house. The colonel, with his .44 Magnum, blasts back. This is the scene where he takes the hit in the thigh. Although wounded, he's still able to interrogate a man. Brandishing his .44 Magnum, he informs the prisoner, "This is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world. If I shoot you at this distance, it will spread your brains all over this room." It was said with such conviction, he might as well have added, "Well, do you feel lucky? Punk?"

The plot is all over the place, with the fake colonel bedding another woman - a Vietnamese spy - with his sweet talk. I guess the character was envisioned as some kind of James Bond. Chatrichalerm wants to show a sex scene, but only does it suggestively, by cutting in one frame of the bed with the nude woman on it. It's just a flash - one frame - just like Brad Pitt showed us in Fight Club in his projectionist job.

The action really gets going for the third act, in which an evil Vietnamese officer comes into play. She's kidnapped an American diplomat. She kicks some major ass and kills off one of the smiling comic relief guys, using some kung fu and then shooting the guy in the back with an M-16. There's lots of endless machine gun fire and fake blood.

The soundtrack sounds like it could be by a great Thai band, The Impossibles, who were one of the most popular bands of the day. I'm not sure if it is or not, but it's the same basic rock set up with horns. Among the rocking tracks on the film, the band breaks into the Hawaii Five-O theme a couple of times. There's also a song by a well-known female singer of the day. I didn't catch the name, but my 32-year-old girlfriend says her mother likes that singer.

There's more confusion about the translation of the title. Since there is no alternate English title, as there is with most Thai films, all I have to go on is the literal translation of Phom Mai Yak Pen Pan To -- I Don't Want To Be a Colonel. Others have said it's I Don't Want To Be a Lieutenant. But a couple of sources indicate the rank is high. In the film, the hero is variously called "Colonel" or "Lieutenant" in the subtitles. In fact, he is a lieutenant colonel. So no wonder there is confusion. I'm sticking with colonel. And now I notice the DVD being sold overseas with the English title listed as just The Colonel.

The DVD is available from the local Mangpong video chain here in Thailand. It several of Chatrichalerm's films on the shelves. This was the first one of several I have bought. I was immediately attracted to it by its exploitive cover art. Out of the nearly one dozen titles by Chatrichalerm that are being sold, this is one of the most exploitive - the one with the most guns, girls and explosions.

The subtitles are a bit dodgy, with typical grammer mistakes. This only adds to the appeal. At one point, a character was advised to "cut the crab".